The Beauty of Me

Straight black hair ever rigid in the wind, and brown, tilted eyes closed in fear. That is what you see of me. A silly smile paints my face, and the child within me seems ever present. That is what you see of me.

But you don’t see the defiance kindling in my eyes, my chin lifted up in arrogance, the blood rushing into my tan cheeks dotted with freckles and carved by dimples. You don’t see the anger and the helplessness as I claw for a place of prominence within the hierarchy of high school. You don’t see the tear dripping down my cheeks as each attempt at making some sort of imprint in the school fails, and my friends all succeed at the exact same mission. You don’t see my eyes closed in fear as I see all my friends drifting away. You don’t see the internal anger at myself. You don’t see ME.

You hear the sarcasm in my tone as I spit insults at you with a smile. You hear my hoarse laugh with the ever present wheeze. You hear my laugh as I smile at everything you say, and see me nod my head along while you tell me all your problems. You hear me reassuring you everything is going to be alright.

You don’t hear me tell you problems. You don’t hear me saying that I need a friend to lean on for once, that I am tired of being used as a handkerchief for your tears when you need it and thrown away when you don’t. You don’t hear me yelling at you for failing your grades because I care about you, and you don’t hear me telling you that I just want someone to care and hear me out for once. You don’t hear ME.

If you can’t see and hear me, you will never know me. None of you know me. I am merely the faceless person behind this blog.

But I think this is a necessary step. I think that all of you, my dear readers, need to know at least something about who I am, and what I struggle with. This is why I chose writing. I don’t think I could ever express these feelings through my faltering voice which, even now, tells me to stop writing.

As a female Asian American attempting to navigate the hierarchy of high school, I find myself constantly doubting myself and my abilities. I find myself struggling with my self-image, dealing with the falling out of friends, and attempting to defeat the devilish teachers at school.

Ah, but we all went through this before, didn’t we?

I am using this blog as a platform to connect with readers all around the world. I don’t want me to be that faceless person behind the blog; I want me to be someone that each and every one of you can relate with.

So welcome. Welcome to the Chaos of Life by me, your author. I will be sharing personal stories while offering advice from my experience for self-care. I will also be inputting some of my writing projects on here while offering my thoughts on current literature.

For instance, Beautiful Chaos will focus on the the good in the world. It will be updated every Monday of the week. Pages of Love will focus on literature, and will be updated at least once a week. Self-Care will focus on, just as the title suggests, self-care, and will be updated at least thrice a week.

I hope that everyone enjoys this blog and recommends this to your loved ones.

Thank you.

-Jess

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