It’s hard to think none of this is a waste.
That everything we do is for naught because, in the end, it’s not like anyone will remember you. Your diaries will waste away into dust, your bones will melt into the Earth, and trees will grow where your home used to be. The words you once said will be lost to the wind, never found, and all the people you said them to will meet you after dark.
Maybe everything will be okay. Maybe this part of my life is just…
These days, I can’t walk without feeling like there’s a rock in my shoe. And there is. It’s the stress of college school the future work fear friends wishes regret snowballing into this pebble that weighs down every step I take.
And it’s not like I want to think about all of that. I want to not think about it. I want to be able to laugh happily with my friends and not look over my shoulder every second because I think something will reach out from the shadows and drown me. But, as long as my mind keeps churning and my neurons keep firing, the thoughts keep coming.
I want a day without teachers nagging me, without friends demanding something of me, without family offering what they think are condolences to me. I just want to not think but to still be able to live and breathe and see the butterfly land on the flower and drink in the smell of the ocean and laugh in the snow.
I know I’m being selfish, and that thought just makes it worst, to be honest. I say this blog is like my diary, and, in a way, it is, but it is also a place where I have to filter my words and be careful of what I say and the trends I perpetuate. There’s a lot that I say that is true but is not the whole picture. Does that make you upset? I’m sorry if it does, but…
I don’t know what the “but” is. That’s what life is. Just one huge question circling around to “what is my purpose here?” Why do I stand on this earth?
I’m not feeling particularly well today (not Covid), so that’s maybe why I’m typing this out at 5 pm in a rambling fashion. My thoughts are jumping all over the place, and I just feel tired. Is it weird that I tell you things that I don’t tell my friends and family? I don’t think it is; I think you have to be really brave to open up to your friends and family, and it’s infinitely easier to talk to you online and anonymously. But… sometimes I do tell my friends things. And it makes it easier.
I don’t know if you ever heard of this song… well, let me start again. I like to listen to a wide range of genres, regardless of the language (don’t tell my sister… it’s selfish of me, but I want this to remain my secret). You should give reading the lyrics of “run with me” by SWJA a try. There are a lot of translating websites available… Wow. My brain is really shot.
But, really, that’s what I want this blog to be. A place for you to run away to, and where you can spend some time wallowing in your anger and fear and despair, or soaking in the sun. I want to be someone you can confide to, even if we are two strangers talking over the internet.
I know that, in a lot of ways, we are grappling with something. So, as this blog is my safe place, I want this blog to be a safe place for you, as well.
I love you all ❤
Wow… I haven’t signed off like that is a long time.