inexplicable

the human existence is inexplicable.

we cannot explain what we do not know. what we do not know is why humans exist. we do not know why we die. we do not know why we live.

we try to solve every question in the universe. we explore the terrains beyond planet earth. we dive deep down into waters to find atlantis. we transverse lands far and wide, through snow and desert, to map out every single rock.

we try to explain everything.

but somethings cannot be explained. and, for other things, they are better left unexplained.

responsibilities tie us to this earth. we are responsible for everyone we love. to die is to cut these responsibilities – to die, as we all know, is to be selfish. but for someone who has been selfless their entire life and has given their heart too many times to count to strangers only to have it broken in return… is it selfish for them to die, or is it simply a reprieve from a painful life?

these questions cannot be answered. there are too many perspectives. too many controversies.

when is it okay to stop fighting? when is it okay to let it all go?

some will say never. some will say only if you won’t hurt anyone. others say to follow your heart.

it’s hard for me to come to terms with just being satisfied with questions. when i see questions that intrigue me, i look for their answers. i search and i search and i search. but i am never truly satisfied.

the same goes for human beings. yesterday, i confronted my father with accusations and claims that have plenty of evidence. there is a fine line between love and hatred. i straddle the line regarding him. perhaps we are related by blood, but we are completely different. i hate hypocrites; i hate hypocrites because he is one. he has one million different excuses for calling me a waste, for exploding into anger every time he is denied something… he refuses to think about the past, he walks past arguments like they are nothing, he walks over me like i am nothing.

the difference between him and i is that i know where he is coming from. i can, with 99% certainty, predict the next words he will say in a conversation. his superiority is sickening, but knowing that it comes from love makes it even worse. love, we think, is like a rose. in reality, it is a rose with thorns, and i have no tolerance with a rose whose petals have wilted and all that is left is sharp pricks of pain and anger.

i have tried to explain to him that his behavior is intolerable. i, as a human being, have changed. i have tried to improve myself, remedy the behaviors i know that are unacceptable… i am not a saint, and he is not the devil. in this case, i am a human being and he is a human being, but i am too frustrated by the lack of change – over so many years, i have told him that he needs to control his temper – but, over the years, he has remained the same.

i have looked for the “why”. why does he not change? why does he not even consider changing? (it’s in his face – the weathered lines). is it because he is too old to change? is age a matter in this conversation?

but, sometimes, the why cannot be explained. i cannot explain his behavior anymore than i can explain why i love writing. it is a deep-seated feeling that refuses to be verbalized. i cannot make any excuses for him, nor can i look at him in a completely unbiased light.

the “why” a human is who they are is a result from their environment and other forces we cannot explain – mentally, emotionally, physically. all we can do, in the end, is accept who they are. we don’t need to like them. but, at some point, we have to accept we can’t change a person who does not want to be changed.

that was the hard lesson i learned yesterday.

the human existence is inexplicable. human behavior is slightly more explainable but still unknown. in life, there is no “why”. there is only “how”, “what”, “who”, and “when”.

sometimes, we just have to be satisfied with not knowing “why”.

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