it buzzes under my skin.
the urge to move around. the urge to write. the urge to just do something.
the detachment from reality – dawning a facade of “i don’t care” and “i am putting everything behind me” – was easy during the day. during the night, everything comes rushing back to me at once.
and it buzzes.
the night outside is quiet. the birds have disappeared into their nests. only the bright light of my phone keeps me company. i can hear the faint voices of my parents talking in the living room through the cracked open sliver of my door.
my hand drifts back to my hair, snapping strands. pulling hair out. the root leaving my skin is like a draw of fresh breath. it’s an addicting habit. my hands still. my brain knows better than to ruin my hair.
but the buzzing remains.
the anxiety from the tests come rushing back in. the disaster that accompanied a few questions of the ap test in the morning. feelings i suppressed from the morning till now.
i can’t fall asleep.
worry. i don’t think i could live with myself if i got a 3 or below. i could barely live with myself if i got a 4. i should have started studying earlier than waiting from my deadbeat teacher to try and teach. why couldn’t he have taught us the entire curriculum? did he want us to fail? how many questions did i miss? i know which ones i guessed on. the ones i couldn’t finish. the ones i gnawed my fingernails over. the night is cold but i am burning up. how will the colleges look at me if they see what pathetic score i get? what will the graders think when they grade my test? see the unfinished questions… will they laugh at me?
and it buzzes, writhing under my skin. my thoughts buzz like a hive of bees. my eyes focus on my phone, eyes mindlessly running past amateur words attempting to explain a paling plot.
i can’t relax. i am waiting… waiting for the second shoe to drop.
the first shoe dropped when i was born. the second shoe will drop when i die. all the misfortunes in between are attempts to make you flinch.
sleep continues to elude me. but my brain is so tired.
and i just want to fall asleep. quiet my thoughts. let my primal being takeover.
i don’t want to think anymore.
even as my fingers continue snapping strands of my hair as i stare at my ceiling.
wondering. thinking. hoping. dreaming. failing. hating. fearing.
aka me writing out my thoughts from last night. because honestly that ap test was hard… and i am far from confident regarding it. also, i do snap my hair strands when i get nervous or when i get worried. or i start pulling out hair. one day, i’m going to end up bald and wonder how i got there.